Article #2

Favoritism Myths and Taboos Excerpt from from They Love You, They Love Me Not

 There are many almost invisible social taboos that pressure parents into avoiding the whole issue of Favoritism. While our social system unfortunately teaches adults very little about parenting, the ban against Favoritism - both experiencing it and discussing it – is something that most of us seem to absorb automatically. Because of these social constraints, most parents are afraid to admit to their personal biases about their own children, even to those they trust.

 As a result, parents will rarely confess to liking one child less than another. In conversation, they may try to get around their difficulties by saying their Disfavored child is “more difficult to handle” than the others, or that the child is “more stubborn by nature”. They may try to rationalize problems at home by making noncommittal statements such as, “Our middle daughter is not as gifted as the others, so we don’t have the same expectations of her.” Or parents may try to shrug off any problems by simply declaring that they have two children who are “very, very different”. The whole question of disliking one’s own child is highly distasteful from a social point of view. It reflects badly on the adults, as individuals and parents, and on the image of the ideal home life that most people try so hard to build.

 Like the Favoritism taboo, there are many social myths, and even some scientific myths that are also responsible for the anti-Favoritism pressure. One of the most popular scientific myths is that a child’s behavior is determined by his DNA, his genes or specific heredity. Favoritism Theory holds that heredity is far too simple an explanation for many children’s actions. In fact the heredity myth is directly contradicted by most studies involving identical twins. While identical twins share exactly the same physical features, they rarely share the same personality. Yet an explanation for this phenomenon has so far eluded scientists. Consider this true story about two twin sisters.

 Susan and Sally are identical twins. When they were small, their parents dressed them in the same clothes, and swore they had treated them the same way throughout their childhood. The girls got along well and rarely got into serious arguments or fights. They seemed genuinely to like each other and spent a fair amount of time together.

         Susan was always more talkative and made friends more easily, although Sally too had a number of friends, many of whom played on the same school sports teams. In fact, most of Sally’s social activities revolved around sports. She spent hours playing basketball and swimming at the local pool. When she was thirteen Susan started going to parties and developing an interest in boys; like many girls her age she spent hours experimenting with make-up, hair and clothes. Sally, on the other hand, didn’t seem particularly affected by the onset of puberty. If anything, she behaved as if she’d rather ignore it. She continued to immerse herself in sports, and for the first time, actively cultivated an image that was quite different from her sister’s, cutting her hair slightly shorter than Susan’s and wearing a distinct style of loose-fitting clothing.

             By the time Sally was fourteen she began to feel there was a definite difference between herself and her sister, and that their parents ought to know. With something of a sense of relief she finally declared, when she was sixteen, that she was a lesbian. It was a secret that the whole family seemed to have intuitively understood. Her parents were more surprised than horrified. The girls had received what their parents believed was an identical upbringing, yet Susan was heterosexual and Sally was not.

 If identical twins have exactly the same genes, why don’t they develop exactly the same personality? How could they develop a different sexual orientation? Whatever effect heredity may have on behavior, the influence of the environment seems to be at least as important. This means that, despite what you inherit through your family’s genes, you can still be pushed into a certain personality pattern by your surroundings. Within this framework, there is plenty of room for a factor such as Favoritism to leave its indelible mark.